With this ring I thee wed in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Sound familiar? How about these words? Do you promises to love her, keep her, honor her, serve and protect her, for better for worse, for richer for poorer till death do you part?
These are words from a traditional marriage ceremony. Over the times and through changes I, as a minister, have been approached by the prospective bride and groom for counseling who protested specific words of the marriage vows being spoken such as honor, protect, and serve. Many others have presented their own set of written vows and if Scriptural I would be happy to accommodate them. But to those who wanted to do away with marriage vows altogether I kindly forewent the honor of tying their knots.
This reflects the world in which we now live far from the tears at the alter many years past and the joys of becoming man and wife once experienced. It was a day to remember .Now it is a day that many wish to forget and many have. Some willingly and others need to forget because of the painful memories of abuse and the bad breath of obnoxious behavior. For months they were devoured with love and then after six months of marriage they are devoured. Sad but correctible.
As I studied the changes that have taken place at the wedding alter I was looking at some of the old fashioned commandments of God that were meant to govern, guide, and provide peace and harmony for the newly weds then and beyond the alter.
These commandments were not offered to lessen either’s power, influence, or matrimonial status. But bring happiness, order, and a living ribbon of precepts and advices meant to bring a perpetual strand of joy, discipline, and happiness throughout the matrimonial calendar till death do us part.
Some of these old fashioned commandments were found in 1 Corinthians 7. The list is graphic and goes like this.
A woman is to have her own husband. This indicates ownership in a spiritual sense. “You are mine and no others.” Not ownership as in dictatorship, manipulation, and controlling. But it means that a woman should be able to take her husband’s love and fidelity for granted. Many marriages start out where each other doesn’t even think twice about a partner cheating on him or her. Then things happen and the Vitamin D milk weakens into skim milk and water.
A wife should not have to wonder about her man. A wife and vice verse a husband has the right to take her husband’s love and fidelity for granted else it is not a true partnership. If I have to wonder everyday if my wife is true then is no more trust and trust is 100% of a marriage. We do not have to have sex, we can make the finances work with a few adjustments, we weather sicknesses, BUT the trust cannot be sacrificed or it is to the courthouse.
Ephesians 5: 25 says plainly…husbands love your wives. We do not need any clarification. These Scriptures apply to both spouses but right now the burden on my heart is toward us men and how we are to treat our wives.
I once had a young co-worker who looked to me as dad. He was in love. It was evident with the need to be off early some evenings, come to work late some mornings, frequent cell phone calls and the whispered conversations. But I guess it was the promise ring that gave it all away. One day he asked me Mr. Jim how do you know if you love someone? Right off the top of my head I told him that if he knew the worst there was to know about someone and it didn’t matter then he was in love./ They married and live happily not far from me.
If we don’t love our wives enough to live with and over look the worst there is to know then forget it. Stop now and do not cause her any further pain. Love knows things and it doesn’t matter. Love is kind in its presentation. Love is king of the hill. Love does not need to get its way. Love does not control. Love does not beat, hurt, control, and be jealous and angry then turn around and say “I love you.” Ladies, in the early dating stage if he is like this it will manifest itself. Pray and ask God that if you suspect your to-be spouse has a problem in this area to manifest it early in some way. God loves you, ladies, and it is not the will of God for you to go trough hell to get to heaven.
A rule of thumb to discern a young man’s pride and care I had in the 80’s as a young pastor was if he takes care of his car he will take care of you. I’d tell the inquiring young ladies to look at the inside of his car. If you have to use a shovel to find a seat he might not be good for you. We cannot follow that sign today because now young men take better care of their cars and dogs better than the women.
Men are to love their wives as much as they love their own bodies. Ephesians 5:28.
Today, it is difficult to follow that rule because many men put more money into hairspray (and there is nothing wrong with hairspray), car wax, weightlifting, alcohol, and pay-per-view than they do a weekend with the wife and kids. They read and join cyber clubs on better ways to care for their jeep yet won’t give their spouse an “I love you” or the first dollar in a bouquet of roses because it is too expensive.
Love leads. Remember when we went to dances It was the young man’s position to lead in the dance.
Many of us men have lost our influence to lead our spouses in love anymore. We have a record of love and consideration way too thin and a record of abuse, harshness, controlling, pouting, must-get-our-way, feel sorry, coerce our women into apologies for things not their fault way to strong. The rebuke to our record of lack of leadership in church, ministry, work, fathering, learning how to show love to our wives, and tripping in the dance of life, and other benevolent activities is deafening.
There’s just absolutely too many ways to show your love in a very inexpensive manner and not enough space or time to list them.
Wife it might take your taking leadership into your own hands for the time being while your husband is getting it together. Sad but true. However, if your husband is beating you, holding guns to your head, provoking the children and making utter fools out of you then it is time to become strong, learn to deal with it, educate yourself of your rights, love him in heart but leave him in body before you “wake up dead.”
It is not God’s will for you to remain with a man who beats you. It is not God’s will for you to remain with a man who abuses you mentality, physically, or spiritually. Spouse rape, physical harm to your body, beating your emotions with accusations that are not true out of his jealousy, rage, drug or alcohol–driven rants, verbal assaults on your weight, appearance, ability to cook, make love, raise children, or excel at work or even work a job is not God’s will and you have carte blanche to tell him to take a hike. If you need help there are people like Peace4, us, others who love you and will help you get relocated, stable, in a job, in a home, with your children, and out of his control.
It can be rough road out of this evil desert but God is able. And God is raising people today who are taking you seriously and can help you.
Did The Church Say To Stay with an Abusive Man?
If you read the story recently of Pastor Rick Warren of mega-church Saddle Back Church in California telling others to stay with their men who beat them and you are confused let me help unscramble your brain.
Many pastors use the scriptures sometimes out of context. Out of context means outside the big picture of a whole chapter or subject. God made many instructions both in the Old Law and in the New Law for men and women on how to treat and honor their spouses.
I admonish all Christians everywhere to read the Word for themselves, pray for wisdom, and ask God to apply the Word to their lives as He shows them for their particular situation.
Pastor Warren took a passage of Scripture. It says that a “woman is to not leave the man.” Possibly the pastor took this literarily and for our culture today. Not every Scripture can be applied literally today under New Testament grace. If we did then the commandments says that if a child curses his parents he is to be stoned. I have a problem killing children for cursing the parents. Punishment and self discipline yes but drop that weapon and begin loving and setting example as parents. If you don’t want Junior to use the ”f” word at school then stop using it yourself and teach him the “J” word for Jesus.
Much of what the New Testament scripture said (and Pastor Warren uses Paul’s writings to make his family doctrine) was for a culture less advanced than ours today. Apostle Paul even said that if some of these teachings create division in the church then we will have no such custom. 1 Corinthians 11:16. Paul even terms them customs not commandments.
The customs of the Amazon where a bride can be purchased for a rug or cheap neck tie does not apply in 2009 in America today where many women bring home the bacon while dads stay home and raise the kids and this is good especially when it is agreed in love on both spouse’s parts.
1 Corinthian 6:6 the Scriptures teach some of the Scriptural directives was spoken out of preference or permission and NOT by commandment of God. What works for some might not work for others and God says this is okay. God made man special. Would God not also wish man, you and I, to walk in our uniqueness and that includes our beliefs, preferences, and things that work for us though not for another.
Acts 15:10 makes the charge that many of the commandments became yokes on the necks of Christians and even admitted that forefathers of the Old Testament were not able to wear or bear the burden of these commandments.
So if there is room for discernment, one this way, and one that way, then let’s look at another Scripture regarding marriage, abuse, and divorce.
Dead Man Walking
1 Corinthians 7:39 says that as long as a husband is alive then the wife is bound “by the law” but if he is dead she is at liberty to marry whom she will. The law that the Scripture is speaking of here is the Old Testament Law regarding marriage that was stout, fierce, and unforgiving. To secure forgiveness in those days one had to offer turtle doves, livestock, and sorts of crops as sacrifice for sins or breaking even one of the commandment. I’d be out. I might have a biscuit. That’s about it. I’d be the poster child for Clint Eastwood’s movie “Unforgiven.” Every time you broke a commandment which by the way was impossible to keep any ways, you had to offer a sacrifice of some sort or walk around all year long condemned knowing you were going to hell if the Big Guy rang your door bell.
The sacrifice of Christ on Calvary changed all that and now we ask one time for God to forgive us our sins and we accept his salvation by faith and begin the process of new freedom walk in Christ! Praise the Lord.
Jesus’ grace softened the spirit of the law and now the Word says that if you believe something do not force it on someone who does not believe the same thing for that is the wrong behavior toward one another. Let each person believe as long as it lines up with the Word and God’s grace. We all have different minds and have a God-given right to form convictions and unique opinions but we DO NOT have the right to force them, ourselves, or anything else on someone else. That is what starts wars!
If a husband is dead the wife is free. Now if a husband beats his wife, creates damage to her in body or spirit then he has corrupted or caused damage to God’s vessel and the Bible says that if ANY man hurts the temple of God then God will destroy him. Read 1 Corinthians 3:17. Many interpret this to mean if man corrupts his temple with fornication, alcohol abuse or cigarette smoking then it is his vessel that will be destroyed. But it also means if a man corrupts or destroys another vessel such as his wife with bruises, blood, guns to her head, slaps his children, starves his family, or creates discord and lack of harmony to the marriage bed or life he is corrupting another vessel and he will be destroyed. May be not immediately but when he sits in prison for life he is destroyed and only Jesus forgiveness can change him and even then he has not right to even ask to go back to the family he abused and destroyed.
If the man hits, slaps, verbally abuses, emotionally abuses, stalks, or otherwise creates disharmony in the marriage bed or life then he is dead already and will not admit it. If your husband hurts you and your children and you no longer have the potential to reasonably live with him without daily fear or if you please him so that you can live with him then you do not owe him spit and you have every right to get out, leave him standing here in the cold, take your children to family, a shelter or haven, and lock him up. Pray for God to give you strength to do this for yourself and for your children. Ok?
Religion, man, family, or someone’s interpretation of the Word of God, or someone’s preference might warn you of doomsday if you leave this tragedy that God did not mean or you to deal with but you will not go to hell for jumping from in front of a moving train. You will be blessed.
Jim and Carolyn Harnage
Child and Women’s Advocate Ministry
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